Sunday, December 13, 2015

All I want for Christmas is....

Not you.

I want you to know that at any one point, you did not love me.  You only loved how I loved you.  The way and the intensity.  The life and energy that I had.  You wanted to bottle that and keep it to yourself.  Because you were empty.  Because you were barren.  Because you were dark.   Because you were a vacuum.  Because you were hollow.  Because you are an empty shell of nothing.   And you never had any intention of fixing that.  I don't believe you when you say that you don't like how you are.  I think you do.  I think you love it.  I think you love being a manipulating puppet master.   I think you enjoy it thoroughly.   

But you don't control me anymore.  You don't control anything about me.  You most certainly don't own my heart or any piece of it.  Because I realized something.  That person I was so in love with, does not exist.  It was a fabrication.  An extension of me.  I do not love any of the parts of the real you.   And most importantly,  I will not miss you.

I will not miss all those nights I fell asleep crying beside you.  I will not miss all the times I went to sleep crying at home.  I will not miss all those times you hated to hug me.  or kiss me.  or hold me.  or give me support. or tell me nice things. I won't miss them.. because they never happened.  Not ever.  I will not miss all the times I didn't know what you were doing because you told me half truths or just went silent and didn't reply.  I will not miss when you'd become full of rage when good things happened to me.  And how much sadness and hurt I was filled with each time you became hostile at these things.  I will not miss how you made me feel so unwanted and undesirable.  I won't miss that at all.   And the next person won't be that way.  Cuz I'm pretty awesome and fantastic.  I have a trillion and one amazing.. and i mean AMAZING things to offer someone.. and they're just going to be SO over the moon about it. As will I. Because they'll do all the same wonderful things for me that I do for them.  And I'll feel so wanted. and so will they.  Because I'll want them.  I'll want them more than I ever wanted you.  And I'll love them for real.  It will be genuine.  And not coerced tricked love.

I hope you understand that all my love and desire for you only came because of manipulation and lies. It never came on its own accord.  You have to trick people to get them to love you.  Because how can they love you if you showed your true colours?  They wouldn't.  They couldn't.   So, you go on and continue to act as if everything is A-OKAY on your end.  That's fine with me.  It doesn't phase me.  You can do whatever you want.  Or whomever you please.  Cuz that's what you do.   Fill your hole with whatever you can get  (Ha.. no pun intended. But yes, that too.)  And I may look all broken up over this.  And I am. But not for the reasons you think I am.  I'm healing.  And realizing more and more shit each day.  I go out and don't feel guilty about it.   I travel.   I see my wonderful friends who are SO amazing to me and show me kindness.  They're good people and they have my back.  I take care of myself.  I look after myself.  I do amazing things to better myself.  I take courses.   I sing. I sing so much.  I get compliments from people that make me blush.. I forgot what it feels like to be wanted and desired.  It's really nice.   You never made me feel those ways. You never made me feel good - ever.  

It's been nearly a month since you've tried to contact me.  For Christmas, I just want you to leave me alone. You go on with your sad life of nothing.  And I'll go on with mine.  You can go ahead and try to make me upset or jealous with whatever mundane crap you want.  I don't even care.  I don't even know about it.   Cuz I made sure of it.  Cuz I really do not want anything from your life to leech into mine and poison it anymore than it already has.  This year is coming to an end.. and you cannot even being to understand how EXCITED I am to be starting this new 2016 year without you in my life.  Things will be SO much better.  I'll be so much better.  

I just want to thank you.  In these 4 years that we have been together in whatever kind of "together" you want to call this dysfunctional relationship.. cuz technically..according to you.. we weren't together for a long time.  But it was always according to your terms.. whenever it seemed to fit into your needs.   So, yes.  I want to thank you.  For putting my life is SO much upheaval that it forced me to step back and take a good long hard look at myself.. and how I could let someone into my life and STAY there.. who was destroying me at such an epic level.  Someone who made me feel like the worst shit I have ever felt in my whole entire existence.   So, stop with the "i love you's".  You do not love me.  You never did.   You do not destroy the people that you love.   And I thank you for opening my eyes finally.  So that now I can heal.. and be better.   and never allow anyone like you into my life again.   You have taught me the most valuable life lesson ever.  Albeit, by force.. by pain and sadness and so much hurt to last a lifetime.  But, as these lyrics go "You can grow flowers where dirt used to be.".. I'll keep that line.  I'm excited to learn who this new me is going to be.  A better me. A stronger me.  A smarter me.  Someone who can love more deeply and more whole.  And someone who will love themselves so much.. that I'll invite someone who will love me so deeply, into my life.  And my life will be full. I'll feel joy.  I will feel SO much joy.  So much happiness.  I'll feel all those happy and gushy feelings.  I'll smile so fucking big, my cheeks will hurt!!! :)))))  Cuz I can. :)   And .. the awesome thing is, those feelings don't go away for me.  Cuz they're real.  I'm capable of feeling all those super amazing wonderful things in life that bring me SO much light and love.  And that's a really amazing thing.  I am so grateful and amazed at the beautiful and breathtaking things that surround me every single moment of every day.  I feel so lucky and honoured to be able to witness truly fantastic and wonderful things every day.  I don't take those things for granted.   It's totally awesome. :))) 

And I'm awesome.  And you had me.. and caged my awesome away.  I couldn't even see it anymore. Or believe it.  You set a trap.. and you caught me.  I was stuck in this cage for so long.   But I'm out now.  And everyday is just a little bit more awesome.  

Part of me feels bad for you... I am an Empath, afterall.  I wanted to rescue you. Heal you. Take care of you. But you knew all this when you met me.  With all your staged acts.. to get me to feel sorry for you. To lure me in.  And it worked.   I know that all of this stems from childhood trauma. I know this.  And part of me feels so sad for you.  For the way in which you will always feel so hollow and dark on the inside.  How ugly that must be and feel like.   And nothing will ever be good enough for you.  And you'll always be envious of others and their accomplishments. 

But then I remember how much you hurt me.  Over and over and over again.  How much you destroyed me.  To a point that I almost became like you.  The light was dimmed so much.. that I thought it was gone forever.  And then I don't feel sad for you anymore.  We all make choices in life.  I would never hurt anyone. Ever.   I could never.  All those times I was crying and pleading with you and you gave me empty stares full of contempt and hate.  I'll remember all those times when you try to hit me with some sad and sorry message.  I'll remember them and remind myself everyday of how awful you treated me. Because you don't seem to remember or acknowledge them at all.  There's your truth..and then there's the actual truth.  I know which one is real.  And I'll never forget or be conned again.

So, I don't feel sorry.  I've been hurt my whole entire life.. and I never realized how much until now.  I see a therapist every week.  She has been amazing at helping me with my wounds.  And finding my light again.   So, again.  Thank you.  For pushing me in the direction I needed to go. In order to be a better me. A brighter me. :)))

As for you.. You'll never be happy.

And that's that.

So, this Christmas, if you truly wanted to give me one gift.. it would be to leave me alone.  Continue not contacting me.  Let it go. Leave me be.   I'll never believe your lies anymore.. I'll never be there ever again.   Just let me be.  I'm not yours.  And never will be again.

I'm breaking the cycle.  It stops with me. 
This is the end.


Merry Christmas. God bless you.
*Peace, love & light. *