Sunday, August 30, 2015

Letting go.

As the super moon in Pisces passes us (Aug. 29th) ..let us use the remnants of all that energy to let go. To let it all go. To clean out the old and negative and detox all the things in your life that you want to clean and rid yourself of.

I will let go,
What I can't control.

My worries.. I let them go.
My fears.. I let them go.
My anxieties.. I let them go.
My pain... I let it go.
My insecurities.. I let them go.
My doubts... I let them go.
All my negative thoughts.. I let them go.

Clean and good energy will flow into me. New and different energy will start to grow within me. I will embrace the change. I will learn to take these shackles off. I will learn to set myself free. I will learn to stretch my wings and fly. And not be afraid or held down anymore.

Starting now... I am me. For me. To me ...and most important to me. :)

Saturday, August 29, 2015

I know I can't be with you, I do what I have to do.

I was away for a week.   My favourite part about being away was being so far away from any reminders of you.  Being away from anyone who will talk about you.  Being away from my work that reminds me of you.  Being away from anywhere you can find me.  Being so far away.. just for a little while.. was the greatest comfort I could get. 

Now I'm back.  I'm here to face everyday.. with this battle inside of me I fight every single minute of every day.  I don't know how to think or feel anymore. I feel empty and barren.  I don't know how to feel alive.  How to fix it...  and that makes me so scared and sad.     Baby steps..   that's all I can do.

Monday, August 17, 2015

The end of an anchor.

I cut the cord. Cuz i had to choose life. And I can't breathe anymore.

Saturday, August 15, 2015

Never settle for crumbs.

This is how everything felt to me.  In the beginning..everything was very much so plenty and grandioso. I was adored, pampered. I was loved. Fully and in abundance.

Then it stopped. Suddenly it stopped.. And everything shifted. Those "loving" moments and gestures suddenly started to become not as strong, powerful, weighted and less frequent. And the time in between the moments would become longer..and longer.. Until there was nothing there.

I was so desperate to get that intense love that made me think I found my soul mate.. that I would be so elated and content when I would get that little scrap of love that would be thrown to me...that were so few and far in between... That I didn't even notice anything else. But when I would notice and try to leave..the love would come back full force all over again. But only for a very short while. Each time..even shorter.

I'm still reeling from the pain of the loss and all the psychological damage that I have incurred in this loveless catastrophe that I was dragged in to dance with..unsuspecting.. Unaware. Maybe I'll never be fully healed from it.  But one thing I do know.

I will never again settle for crumbs. Settle for tiny fragments of broken love. I do not want love unless it is whole. Honest and true. I want love that is genuine. Full. Fixed. Capable. Unselfish. Kind. Mindful. And passionate.

I will never want, nor accept, crumbs.

Wednesday, August 12, 2015

I hate you today.

Just about to go to my weekly CoDA meeting. Having a rough go this week. Hopefully it will improve. Blech.

This picture made me giggle. Sums it up pretty good.

Scam artist.

**edit. The photo didn't upload I realize. And I don't remember what the photo was that I put. Oops. :)) nothing to see here..

Tuesday, August 11, 2015

Nothing to see..just a bunch of hurt & anger here..

I'm tired today. And feeling withdrawal badly today. The kinda day where I just wanna crawl into bed and cry. Same as yesterday I guess..

I don't know when this is supposed to get better.  I feel awful. And so sad. And then so fucking angry and hurt too. But ultimately.. So incredibly sad.

One day at a time.

Today was not the greatest day.

Monday, August 10, 2015

The times you pause..

Today isn't such a great day. :"(

Onwards and upwards towards healing is hard and a major struggle.

God give me strength.

Sunday, August 9, 2015

Don't forget dessert.

Today was a better day.

Had some good hearty laughs. Enjoyed some phenomenal Mexican food with my jubejube for her bday. And then devoured the best cake known to man.

 Yep. Today was an okay day.


Saturday, August 8, 2015

I get a little bit stronger..

And I'm done hoping that we can work it out,
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around.

And I'm done thinking that you could ever change.
I know my heart will never be the same,
but I'm telling myself I'll be okay.
Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger.

The trick is to keep breathing.

Even my juice bottles are trying to tell me something.

Here's to better days ahead.