Sunday, December 13, 2015

All I want for Christmas is....

Not you.

I want you to know that at any one point, you did not love me.  You only loved how I loved you.  The way and the intensity.  The life and energy that I had.  You wanted to bottle that and keep it to yourself.  Because you were empty.  Because you were barren.  Because you were dark.   Because you were a vacuum.  Because you were hollow.  Because you are an empty shell of nothing.   And you never had any intention of fixing that.  I don't believe you when you say that you don't like how you are.  I think you do.  I think you love it.  I think you love being a manipulating puppet master.   I think you enjoy it thoroughly.   

But you don't control me anymore.  You don't control anything about me.  You most certainly don't own my heart or any piece of it.  Because I realized something.  That person I was so in love with, does not exist.  It was a fabrication.  An extension of me.  I do not love any of the parts of the real you.   And most importantly,  I will not miss you.

I will not miss all those nights I fell asleep crying beside you.  I will not miss all the times I went to sleep crying at home.  I will not miss all those times you hated to hug me.  or kiss me.  or hold me.  or give me support. or tell me nice things. I won't miss them.. because they never happened.  Not ever.  I will not miss all the times I didn't know what you were doing because you told me half truths or just went silent and didn't reply.  I will not miss when you'd become full of rage when good things happened to me.  And how much sadness and hurt I was filled with each time you became hostile at these things.  I will not miss how you made me feel so unwanted and undesirable.  I won't miss that at all.   And the next person won't be that way.  Cuz I'm pretty awesome and fantastic.  I have a trillion and one amazing.. and i mean AMAZING things to offer someone.. and they're just going to be SO over the moon about it. As will I. Because they'll do all the same wonderful things for me that I do for them.  And I'll feel so wanted. and so will they.  Because I'll want them.  I'll want them more than I ever wanted you.  And I'll love them for real.  It will be genuine.  And not coerced tricked love.

I hope you understand that all my love and desire for you only came because of manipulation and lies. It never came on its own accord.  You have to trick people to get them to love you.  Because how can they love you if you showed your true colours?  They wouldn't.  They couldn't.   So, you go on and continue to act as if everything is A-OKAY on your end.  That's fine with me.  It doesn't phase me.  You can do whatever you want.  Or whomever you please.  Cuz that's what you do.   Fill your hole with whatever you can get  (Ha.. no pun intended. But yes, that too.)  And I may look all broken up over this.  And I am. But not for the reasons you think I am.  I'm healing.  And realizing more and more shit each day.  I go out and don't feel guilty about it.   I travel.   I see my wonderful friends who are SO amazing to me and show me kindness.  They're good people and they have my back.  I take care of myself.  I look after myself.  I do amazing things to better myself.  I take courses.   I sing. I sing so much.  I get compliments from people that make me blush.. I forgot what it feels like to be wanted and desired.  It's really nice.   You never made me feel those ways. You never made me feel good - ever.  

It's been nearly a month since you've tried to contact me.  For Christmas, I just want you to leave me alone. You go on with your sad life of nothing.  And I'll go on with mine.  You can go ahead and try to make me upset or jealous with whatever mundane crap you want.  I don't even care.  I don't even know about it.   Cuz I made sure of it.  Cuz I really do not want anything from your life to leech into mine and poison it anymore than it already has.  This year is coming to an end.. and you cannot even being to understand how EXCITED I am to be starting this new 2016 year without you in my life.  Things will be SO much better.  I'll be so much better.  

I just want to thank you.  In these 4 years that we have been together in whatever kind of "together" you want to call this dysfunctional relationship.. cuz technically..according to you.. we weren't together for a long time.  But it was always according to your terms.. whenever it seemed to fit into your needs.   So, yes.  I want to thank you.  For putting my life is SO much upheaval that it forced me to step back and take a good long hard look at myself.. and how I could let someone into my life and STAY there.. who was destroying me at such an epic level.  Someone who made me feel like the worst shit I have ever felt in my whole entire existence.   So, stop with the "i love you's".  You do not love me.  You never did.   You do not destroy the people that you love.   And I thank you for opening my eyes finally.  So that now I can heal.. and be better.   and never allow anyone like you into my life again.   You have taught me the most valuable life lesson ever.  Albeit, by force.. by pain and sadness and so much hurt to last a lifetime.  But, as these lyrics go "You can grow flowers where dirt used to be.".. I'll keep that line.  I'm excited to learn who this new me is going to be.  A better me. A stronger me.  A smarter me.  Someone who can love more deeply and more whole.  And someone who will love themselves so much.. that I'll invite someone who will love me so deeply, into my life.  And my life will be full. I'll feel joy.  I will feel SO much joy.  So much happiness.  I'll feel all those happy and gushy feelings.  I'll smile so fucking big, my cheeks will hurt!!! :)))))  Cuz I can. :)   And .. the awesome thing is, those feelings don't go away for me.  Cuz they're real.  I'm capable of feeling all those super amazing wonderful things in life that bring me SO much light and love.  And that's a really amazing thing.  I am so grateful and amazed at the beautiful and breathtaking things that surround me every single moment of every day.  I feel so lucky and honoured to be able to witness truly fantastic and wonderful things every day.  I don't take those things for granted.   It's totally awesome. :))) 

And I'm awesome.  And you had me.. and caged my awesome away.  I couldn't even see it anymore. Or believe it.  You set a trap.. and you caught me.  I was stuck in this cage for so long.   But I'm out now.  And everyday is just a little bit more awesome.  

Part of me feels bad for you... I am an Empath, afterall.  I wanted to rescue you. Heal you. Take care of you. But you knew all this when you met me.  With all your staged acts.. to get me to feel sorry for you. To lure me in.  And it worked.   I know that all of this stems from childhood trauma. I know this.  And part of me feels so sad for you.  For the way in which you will always feel so hollow and dark on the inside.  How ugly that must be and feel like.   And nothing will ever be good enough for you.  And you'll always be envious of others and their accomplishments. 

But then I remember how much you hurt me.  Over and over and over again.  How much you destroyed me.  To a point that I almost became like you.  The light was dimmed so much.. that I thought it was gone forever.  And then I don't feel sad for you anymore.  We all make choices in life.  I would never hurt anyone. Ever.   I could never.  All those times I was crying and pleading with you and you gave me empty stares full of contempt and hate.  I'll remember all those times when you try to hit me with some sad and sorry message.  I'll remember them and remind myself everyday of how awful you treated me. Because you don't seem to remember or acknowledge them at all.  There's your truth..and then there's the actual truth.  I know which one is real.  And I'll never forget or be conned again.

So, I don't feel sorry.  I've been hurt my whole entire life.. and I never realized how much until now.  I see a therapist every week.  She has been amazing at helping me with my wounds.  And finding my light again.   So, again.  Thank you.  For pushing me in the direction I needed to go. In order to be a better me. A brighter me. :)))

As for you.. You'll never be happy.

And that's that.

So, this Christmas, if you truly wanted to give me one gift.. it would be to leave me alone.  Continue not contacting me.  Let it go. Leave me be.   I'll never believe your lies anymore.. I'll never be there ever again.   Just let me be.  I'm not yours.  And never will be again.

I'm breaking the cycle.  It stops with me. 
This is the end.


Merry Christmas. God bless you.
*Peace, love & light. *

Sunday, November 29, 2015

the loss of innocence.

"But you will come to see that the psychopath is something that your heart can never light up. And you will try. That’s what cognitive dissonance is all about. For months, you oscillated back and forth between the idealize and devalue phases, trying to understand which one was real. You reasoned that of course they loved you, because they said they did. But then you looked at their actions, which did not at all reflect their words. You know intuitively that love is not insulting, criticizing, cheating, and lying. Love does not make you feel suicidal. Love does not mock you for having hurt feelings."

Sunday, November 22, 2015

You don't have to call anymore, I won't pick up the phone.

This is the last straw
There's nothing left to beg for
And you can tell me that you're sorry
But I don't believe you baby
Like I did before
You're not sorry!

Wednesday, November 11, 2015

I used to be the damsel in distress.

Today was not a fairy-tale.  You aren't the prince.

You are the darkness that surrounds me.   That I am trying ever so desperately to clear away.  But I can't.  Because there are constantly so many reminders of you shoved right onto my lap of you.  It's sickening and makes me sick to my stomach.  Everything about you is sick.  I hate every single thing about you. I hate every single way you have hurt me. Tortured me.  Shattered me.  Humiliated me.  Rejected me.  Tormented me.  I hate every other single way that I can't even continue to list because there are too many.  I hate the way that I can't escape you fully as long as I am where I am right now. That's why, I need to leave.  I need to leave completely.  Start new. Start fresh. Somewhere else.  Away from here. Away from you. So far away from anything to do with you.  You are a sickness.  You are a disease.  One that cannot be cured.  So, I have to cut you off. Like a growing cancer. Because that's what you are. Eating away at all of me.. until I was gone.  Until I was nothing.

But now I am healing. 
and I will be whole again.

Today was not a fairy-tale.  Not today.

But one day will be one.  And it won't include you.

Monday, October 19, 2015

I used to love you.

You know I was the best thing that ever happened to you.
Now look at what you've lost.

I don't know why I used to love you..
I don't.. I don't.. I don't.

Sunday, October 18, 2015

You're long gone.

You know I was the best thing that ever happened to you.
Now look at what you've lost.

One week.

It's been a week since you've tried to contact me. The longest time in almost 5 months now. I hope that means you gave up and realized that I don't want anything to fucking do with you ever again.

This has been the BEST week of my life so far.

I'm healing. And feeling better every single day.

You don't know what love fucking is. You have no clue how to love anyone.

The list I have of everything you never did for me is so long. And the list of all the horrible things you said and even longer.

Saturday, October 17, 2015

Monday, October 5, 2015

Cut toxic out.

Because I am important. And I am never ever going to be made to feel any less for the rest of my life. Only positivity around me from now on. Only those who will allow me to grow. Inspire me. Thrust me upwards. And show me what whole love really is. :)

Tuesday, September 29, 2015

She is all of this mixed up and baked in a beautiful pie.

And it's not what I asked for.

Sometimes life just slips in through the back door

Carves out the person

And makes you believe it's so true.

And now I've got you.

And you're not what I asked for.

If I'm honest I know I would give it all back

For a chance to start over

And rewrite an ending or two

For the girl that I knew.

Who'll be reckless just enough

Who'll get hurt but

Who learns how to toughen up when she's bruised

And gets used by a man who can't love

And then she'll get stuck and be scared

Of the life that's inside her

Growing stronger each day

'Til it finally reminds her

To fight just a little

To bring back the fire in her eyes

That's been gone but it used to be mine.

Wednesday, September 9, 2015

Be kind to me.

After all is said and done...  I cannot deny that everything I felt was real.  Everything I felt.   I sit here and mourn something bigger than a love that is lost.   I mourn the loss of me.   Of everything I was or thought I was.   Here I am now.. just a broken and fragmented version of many pieces of me..   That I will have to now rebuild from the bottom.  Something more real and substantial. With purpose, meaning and worth.  With so much worth.    I just need to feel it.  Feel worth it.

One day I will be there.

For now.. I mourn and suffer and lick my wounds in the corner.  

One day I will be there.

Saturday, September 5, 2015

Believe them.

You don't love me. You never did. You don't even know what love is.

You led me down the garden path.

I will never ever understand how the person I loved more than anything on this earth, could destroy me in such a devastating manner. I will never ever understand.

Sunday, August 30, 2015

Letting go.

As the super moon in Pisces passes us (Aug. 29th) ..let us use the remnants of all that energy to let go. To let it all go. To clean out the old and negative and detox all the things in your life that you want to clean and rid yourself of.

I will let go,
What I can't control.

My worries.. I let them go.
My fears.. I let them go.
My anxieties.. I let them go.
My pain... I let it go.
My insecurities.. I let them go.
My doubts... I let them go.
All my negative thoughts.. I let them go.

Clean and good energy will flow into me. New and different energy will start to grow within me. I will embrace the change. I will learn to take these shackles off. I will learn to set myself free. I will learn to stretch my wings and fly. And not be afraid or held down anymore.

Starting now... I am me. For me. To me ...and most important to me. :)

Saturday, August 29, 2015

I know I can't be with you, I do what I have to do.

I was away for a week.   My favourite part about being away was being so far away from any reminders of you.  Being away from anyone who will talk about you.  Being away from my work that reminds me of you.  Being away from anywhere you can find me.  Being so far away.. just for a little while.. was the greatest comfort I could get. 

Now I'm back.  I'm here to face everyday.. with this battle inside of me I fight every single minute of every day.  I don't know how to think or feel anymore. I feel empty and barren.  I don't know how to feel alive.  How to fix it...  and that makes me so scared and sad.     Baby steps..   that's all I can do.

Monday, August 17, 2015

The end of an anchor.

I cut the cord. Cuz i had to choose life. And I can't breathe anymore.

Saturday, August 15, 2015

Never settle for crumbs.

This is how everything felt to me.  In the beginning..everything was very much so plenty and grandioso. I was adored, pampered. I was loved. Fully and in abundance.

Then it stopped. Suddenly it stopped.. And everything shifted. Those "loving" moments and gestures suddenly started to become not as strong, powerful, weighted and less frequent. And the time in between the moments would become longer..and longer.. Until there was nothing there.

I was so desperate to get that intense love that made me think I found my soul mate.. that I would be so elated and content when I would get that little scrap of love that would be thrown to me...that were so few and far in between... That I didn't even notice anything else. But when I would notice and try to leave..the love would come back full force all over again. But only for a very short while. Each time..even shorter.

I'm still reeling from the pain of the loss and all the psychological damage that I have incurred in this loveless catastrophe that I was dragged in to dance with..unsuspecting.. Unaware. Maybe I'll never be fully healed from it.  But one thing I do know.

I will never again settle for crumbs. Settle for tiny fragments of broken love. I do not want love unless it is whole. Honest and true. I want love that is genuine. Full. Fixed. Capable. Unselfish. Kind. Mindful. And passionate.

I will never want, nor accept, crumbs.

Wednesday, August 12, 2015

I hate you today.

Just about to go to my weekly CoDA meeting. Having a rough go this week. Hopefully it will improve. Blech.

This picture made me giggle. Sums it up pretty good.

Scam artist.

**edit. The photo didn't upload I realize. And I don't remember what the photo was that I put. Oops. :)) nothing to see here..

Tuesday, August 11, 2015

Nothing to see..just a bunch of hurt & anger here..

I'm tired today. And feeling withdrawal badly today. The kinda day where I just wanna crawl into bed and cry. Same as yesterday I guess..

I don't know when this is supposed to get better.  I feel awful. And so sad. And then so fucking angry and hurt too. But ultimately.. So incredibly sad.

One day at a time.

Today was not the greatest day.

Monday, August 10, 2015

The times you pause..

Today isn't such a great day. :"(

Onwards and upwards towards healing is hard and a major struggle.

God give me strength.

Sunday, August 9, 2015

Don't forget dessert.

Today was a better day.

Had some good hearty laughs. Enjoyed some phenomenal Mexican food with my jubejube for her bday. And then devoured the best cake known to man.

 Yep. Today was an okay day.


Saturday, August 8, 2015

I get a little bit stronger..

And I'm done hoping that we can work it out,
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around.

And I'm done thinking that you could ever change.
I know my heart will never be the same,
but I'm telling myself I'll be okay.
Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger.

The trick is to keep breathing.

Even my juice bottles are trying to tell me something.

Here's to better days ahead.